Men and women may talk the same in romances (a debatable point) but they (still) utilize different gender cues.One attraction of yaoi for women is the absence of female-gender-insistent cues (this is how women are supposed to behave!).
Context
Both men and women get criticized and stigmatized when it comes to finding a romantic partner (see #1 in "2 Books About Singlehood"). Unfortunately, women still bear the brunt of the criticism and stigma, not because men are so awful but because women get it from women as well as men.
That is, in the game of "protect my tribe," men will criticize men to other men; they will occasionally criticize men to women; but they will also often defend men to women: "You don't understand that men are . . ." I can't say I don't admire this (even when it irritates me).
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| Al criticizing Tim to women: a joke |
| because it's an exception |
But women will not only criticize other women, they will criticize women to men, and defend men to women.
If that's too convoluted, think of it this way:
A man who doesn't have a spouse or partner may criticize himself; other men may criticize him ("Dude, you should get out more . . . "), and yes, he will get criticism or dismissal from women.
A woman who doesn't have a spouse or partner will criticize herself (until she learns not to), may get criticized by men (usually for not understanding them enough). She will definitely get criticized by other women ("If you would only...). In addition, any man in the picture will often be defended by other women ("There isn't anybody good enough for Bob...None of the women around him are attractive enough...").
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| Looks are an ongoing theme in Persuasion |
| --from Anne's supposed changes to Mrs. |
| Clay's supposed lack of attraction. |
In man-woman romances, these issues must be dealt with, even when the writer--male or female--is bored to death of them.
That is, no female or male writer can indicate that he or she is not aware that looks are an issue for women in our society, that a female character is or is not physically weaker than the man, or that women have, for much of history, lacked certain rights and venues to assert themselves.
The issues are sometimes addressed directly (Anne's powerful exchange with Captain Harville in Perusasion, for instance). Many times, they are addressed through ongoing, incessant cues. Consequently, in order to hide gender, cues also have to be hidden.
In the prior list, I removed certain cues:
- Appearance: in the original exchanges, there are multiple references to the women's looks (loveliest, softness of her skin, beautiful, etc.). Almost none of the exchanges contain references to men's looks, even in exchanges between men. I removed all these references.
- Use of "gentle" to describe the female (never the male) partner. I removed "gentle" and "gentleness" from multiple exchanges.
- Verbal action: men instigate nearly all the discussions on the list. In Persuasion, Wentworth's opinions run the discussion. In Beauty & the Beast (image), the Beast does all the demanding/questioning. Part of the male claim on verbal action is the time-period. However, Niles and Daphne's exchange from 2000 is initiated by Niles (actually by Frasier, followed by Niles). In The Closer (image), although Brenda is a tough straight-shooter, almost all marital disputes are begun by Fritz (this is in keeping with Brenda's avoidance techniques towards anything but crime). The most lingually proactive woman from the list is Dinah from Ellis Peters' 1970 novel. Chandler and Monica (image) are perhaps the most equal in verbal action. There was very little I could do about the male tendency to run the conversation except to cut some of the male dialog
- Physical action: all the male characters on the list are more physically active/attentive than the female characters.
As mentioned above, time-period has something to do with this. Regarding Our Town, I removed George's explanation that he waited for Emily but she walked home with someone else (a common dating trope in 1940s-1950s literature). George approaches Emily for a second time at the beginning of the exchange. Again, Dinah's 1970 ride in the ambulance and visit to the hospital stands out. In the exchanges between men, both men are equally active and far more prone to aggressive action.
- Naivety: women are often described as unknowing and naive in romances. This is implied to be a natural condition (unlike Julian's naivety which is connected to his Sheldon-like literalism). Jamie, from A Walk to Remember, cavils about her abilities (granted, she is ill). In marked contrast, the supposedly less assertive male uke in Finder, Akihito, indicates a thorough understanding/judgment of the world. Oscar Wilde and Ennis and Jack are simply pissed. From Our Town, I removed Emily's youthful (and dated) exclamations of "awfully" and "golly." From Forster's quote, I removed Lucy's plea for help/instruction. Regarding Niles and Daphne, I removed Daphne's protest, "You shouldn't say such things."
Many of the cues listed above depend on the time-period but they still crop up in all writing today, from romances to literary tomes to scripts. They are not necessarily wrong or bad or unfair or, for that matter, unrealistic. Daphne, for instance, may not take the initiative in the revelatory exchange between her and Niles but she is still coming to terms with his feelings. In the long run, she proves a powerhouse in the relationship.Likewise, it is impossible to determine how much Captain Wentworth's confessions are considered by both Austen and Anne to be rather sweet and naive in themselves. The ironic tone is too strong.
The point: these cues are inescapable. In fact, even when a text refutes or challenges the cues, they can become so bewilderingly omnipresent, they reach the status of either white-noise or screeching fingernails on blackboards (remember that?). It rather depends on the overall writing.
If one tires of the cues, one has to go to yaoi or M/M. There's a lot to be said for being able to escape to literature which is all about personality, rather than "appropriate" (reactionary or progressive) behavior.
