Romance Writing Problem: Who are You?

One of the ways to separate a couple is: they learn who each other REALLY are.

A House episode, "Fools in Love" is a prime example. A married couple discover that they are actually half-siblings. In one of the greatest moments in television, Foreman sets aside cultural expectations for the sake of love--it's a great example of personal experience overriding expected norms. Foreman's alliance with the husband is entirely acceptable in that moment.

The problem with these identification revelations is, "Would they really not know? (Or guess?)" The House situation works because the couple don't know their true identities themselves. But what about all those romances/dramas where one person just happens to forget to tell another person something really basic like, "Oh, by the way, I'm your lawyer...or your boss...or your dad's best friend...or your dad's boss..."

From Just Drive by L.A. Witt:

Sean exclaims: "So all the times we've talked, it never occurred to you to tell me that you're the base CO?"

"You never asked."

It works--but just.

It works for two reasons: (1) both main characters have reasons they prefer to avoid questions about identity; they aren't simply being lazy. When the conversation doesn't stray into "shop talk," they are both relieved.

(2) The revelation comes 40% of the way through the story, as the relationship begins to get more serious. Any later, and it would be seriously unbelievable.

It comes down to how much the identity matters--if it doesn't matter at all, then saving it for a big reveal makes no sense. If it matters so much that it will change the course of the relationship, then saving it for the big climax (often, a break-up followed by reconciliation) seems inordinately lazy on the part of the writer.

It works in Just Drive, again, because it does make a difference that one character is the CO--in terms of fraternization (even at a remove). It also works because dealing with the identity becomes the meat of the story. If it was just a way to split the characters up--it would be, well, a 50-minute television episode, a blip in someone else's story.