Better in Fiction By Far Than Real Life: The Teasing Lover

I approach this archetype with trepidation. 

I sometimes enjoy the Teasing Lover in fiction.

I am not fond of the reality. 

As I state in my post about April Fool's Day, I think that many people use teasing as an opportunity to bully rather than perform funky stunts (see image). I'll go even further. I think many people find it easy to be bullies these days since the current culture says, "Hey, you don't have to ask questions or question your own assumptions or mind your own business or listen to what other people try to tell you or discover, you know, actual facts. You have a bunch of labels to apply and you care. You can judge people as much as you want!"

The bullying aspect becomes obvious when the bully (1) balks at similar treatment; (2) falls back on "but you are the one who needs to be fixed" criticisms when called out. For instance, if a bully is called out for being hypocritical (not applying standards of tolerance equally, for instance) or slovenly (not rising to the same standards applied to others), the bully will find a way to blame those that the bully usually castigates. The bully is excused while the "others" are inherently flawed, requiring denunciations. Sometimes, a bully will even criticize the "others" for not anticipating the bully's comments, for not taking steps to prevent the bullying before it happened. 

In sum, the bully never plays fair. Such bullies will often fall back on "I was just teasing" as an excuse. 

I separate teasing from actual jokes and in-one's-face ridicule. I'm not saying I care for the latter but Tim Allen's humor on his sitcoms doesn't bother me even when he is joking about someone. For one, he never pretends he isn't doing what he is doing. And he is willing to receive the same treatment in kind. On Last Man Standing, he goes after Ryan, but he also takes what Ryan dishes out. He never says, "Oh, I didn't really mean that...I was just...you are the one who needs to listen...if you're going to be that way...I was only speaking my mind, but you've gone too far..." In fact, on occasion, he will prod Ryan to finish his thought.

However, I still prefer the kind of humor one finds on Frasier and lots and lots of British sitcoms: parody and sarcasm directed at circumstances or events rather than at a person. I also think it is harder to be funny with circumstances and events than with individual people (in fairness, Tim Allen can deliver the circumstances type of humor as well).  

So, have I ever liked teasing in romantic fiction?

Occasionally.

The difference between "good" teasing and horrible teasing on shows and in real life comes down to the "story." Horrible teasing, like Twitter conversations, is almost always based on a story invented by the teaser about the recipient. The teaser thinks that this version of the recipient is important or hilarious or offensive or troubling and deserves to be brought to the recipient's notice (there is more than a sense of "I am putting you in your place" involved). 

"Good" teasing that doesn't make the skin crawl is usually focused on the teaser creating a joke in the moment. 

On Red Dwarf, although Rimmer could easily be labeled any number of things, including Complainer and Entitled Guy, Lister continually treats Rimmer as if each event is a new event, rather like Millan treating "red zone" dogs as if they might, at any moment, become sweet and cuddly. 

In real life, the tolerant behavior performed here by Lister and Millan is incredibly difficult to mimic. Dedicated libertarians and saints can do it. Everybody else waffles. 

In writing, the difference is tremendous. The professor in HIStory 2 likes to tease, but it isn't awful because the teasing happens in specific moments, as when he pretends to be an angst-ridden guy (he isn't). Since his younger boyfriend is a serious fellow who will end up running the relationship and managing the family, the teasing in that moment has a place. 

Likewise, in Taming of the Shrew, Petruchio is given a label/story about Katerina by the people around her. When he meets her, he drops the story and treats her like a person. And they go at it. Fun! 

And Jaeyeong in Semantic Error, who sets out to locate the guy who challenged his GPA, Sangchoo, loses interest in "fixing" the other guy when he decides that the reality of Sangchoo is way more fun than the story. Jaeyeong's behavior is suffused with so much good humor and affection, he is excused a great deal. He is moreover a magnanimous guy: when Sangchoo "teases" him back by putting a dot on his face, he describes it to a friend later as a "token of affection."

In opposition to all the above, the treatment of Malvolio in Twelfth Night crosses a line. The teasing is, in fact, directed at a particular type of person--the type of a person who likes to criticize everybody else's behavior and despises all "unrighteous" entertainment (in fact, an early Woke Puritan)--and arguably, Malvolio deserves what he gets. But after awhile, it rankles. 

Likewise, I prefer my "stooges" to be Ryans or Rimmers rather than the guy who gets kicked around every episode. That is, I refer my obnoxious/combative characters to get in zingers of their own. 

Michael J. Fox as Alex was far more interesting when he started talking back than when he was the hopeless teenager who needed to be continually fixed. 

Good teasing celebrates the individual rather then diminishing whatever oddities a person has to offer.