Assumptions about Singles: Single-Envy

In a prior post, I refer to "single-envy." Here is the context:

Deciding, "Only women who get married at the age I did to the type of man that I did will be happy" is downright strange.

My theory is that there's a kind of single-envy embedded in this assumption...I guess women who have escaped the stigma [of single-hood] feel the need to brag. And they want single women to appreciate and honor their status.

"Single-envy" is part of this bullying equation. Here is my theory about single-envy:

1. Throughout history, women bore a stronger stigma for being single than men. The "gay" bachelor was a real option. Despite the pressure from Bertie's aunts on him to alter his single state, he can easily avoid their machinations since his entire culture applauds a "bachelor about town" lifestyle.

The stigma for single women has lost a great deal of power--especially as more and more people stay not only single but unattached. However, the stigma lingers.

2. Consequently, an "escape" from single-hood carries within it a certain power, even sometimes--especially historically--real power. In the Cadfael mystery The Sanctuary Sparrow, the new wife of the brother has more power than the single sister. And the wife doesn't hesitate to claim it. A less medieval example would include Lydia's marriage to Wickham or Charlotte's more reasoned marriage to Mr. Collins. Marriage gives each woman advantages over her single friends and sisters.

3. The historical reasons for a woman to escape singlehood--and possible poverty--no longer exist in many Western cultures. Marriage still has power but no longer the given power (survival) that it used to carry. A single woman is not automatically in a financially precarious position because she doesn't marry. In certain circles, her status may remain as high and sometimes even higher than a married woman's (please note: I am not saying I agree or disagree with this; these are observations, not judgments--judgment comes later).

4. In other words, marriage no longer automatically or conclusively places a woman in a higher position. In some ways and in some circles it does, but to a large extent in the West, the lack of cultural applause leaves a married woman having to create her own sense of accomplishment. Plenty of woman do! They are happy to be married. They enjoy marriage. They achieve what they wanted either through marriage or children. They feel no need to compete or compare.

Happy celebrity marriage!

5. However, a thread of competition or comparison remains: I am better off than I was before. Being married is better than being single. My life is better than those single women's lives.

6. A challenge to this narrative becomes a challenge to the woman's choice. It isn't single women per se that irritate the competitive married woman. It is the single woman who gets married at an older age.

7. The single woman who gets married at an older age is a threat to the competitive married woman's choice. The competitive married woman married to improve her status. That meant she gave up being single. But that's okay because being single is inherently lower-status. Except a single woman who gets married later in life got the benefits of singlehood and still gained marriage.

Helen Mirren started living with her

husband when she was 41. She married

him when she was 52. She has no kids,

other than step, and no regrets.

8. Consequently, the competitive married woman decides, "Okay, she's gained married status, but it's not as good as my married status because she didn't marry for love like I did."

9. Which is silly.

10. And untrue.

Women and men throughout history and now-a-days have married and remarried at various times and ages for various reasons. Some have been happily in love. Some have been unhappy. Some have married young and thrived. Some have married young and regretted their choice. Some have waited to marry and made huge mistakes. Some have waited to marry and been deliriously happy. First marriages. Second marriages. All one has to do is look around at one's married friends, parents, colleagues, acquaintances, and see variations, differences, various attitudes from dissatisfaction to indifference to delight.

The older I get, the more and more I think that competition based on comparisons linked to life choices is a huge waste of time. Be happy with the life you have. Then find something to do with yourself. Leave other people and their choices alone. Yes, there are exceptions, times to give advice, to get involved, but most of the time, really, truly, leave other people and their choices alone.